Truths
Truth: I'm 28 years old and I still speak to my mom every single day.
My mom is the most important person in my life. She is the one that without, I would fail. At everything. We have never had a fight, we have never disagreed on a single thing. Unless you count the fact that she likes the song Fire Burning by Sean Kingston and I would rather give myself papercuts than hear it one more time.
She is the one who made the trip to help me after I spent 7 weeks lying in bed, too depressed to do anything but cry. She is the one that took care of everything, from getting me to my doctors appointments to feeding me to making my apartment look like a home again. She got me out of bed.
Every single day, my mom will call me, or I will call her and we'll talk about the important things. Things like what a douchebag Jon Gosslin is or what outfit Lady GaGa wore to the last awards show. We talk about the books we're reading and current events happening, she tells me about the pets back home and what the family is up to, I let her know which friends I'm seeing that weekend and the adorable thing my cats have done that made me smile.
Truth: Every single day, I lie to my mom.
The truth is, I'm falling apart again and I'm too scared to tell her. I'm too scared to admit that I feel like I've let her down again. The truth is, I have already fallen apart.
In those daily phone calls to my mom, what I don't tell her is that I stay in bed until at least 12:20 or 1 in the afternoon every single day. On the days I don't work, I consider 6 pm to be naptime. I rarely leave my house, and when I do, it's only out of sheer need.
I cry. At least twice a day.
I don't see my friends nearly as often as I'd lead her to believe. Partly because I simply do not have the energy to make myself presentable to leave the house to socialize. Partly because I'm angry and bitter enough to resent my friends because they don't struggle with everyday life the way I do. And I hate that I feel that way, but I do.
I don't tell her that more often than not, I call in sick to work, and because of this, I am probably one month away from losing my car since I cannot afford the payments. Believe me, my parents have bailed me out financially more times than I care for this summer, and I will not ask them to do it again. I'll figure something out. I always do.
The stress of figuring out how to make my car payments, my rent, and every other bill I have stacked up keep me in a constant state of panic and anxiety. Because of this, I do not sleep at night, instead wishing for the Ambien and Lexapro presecription that I can't afford anymore because I had to cancel my insurance in order to be able to pay my bills. And the no working.
It is the most vile cycle I have ever been caught in. And I do not know how I am going to get out of it.
Truth: I'm 28 years old and all I want is my mommy.
My mom is the most important person in my life. She is the one that without, I would fail. At everything. We have never had a fight, we have never disagreed on a single thing. Unless you count the fact that she likes the song Fire Burning by Sean Kingston and I would rather give myself papercuts than hear it one more time.
She is the one who made the trip to help me after I spent 7 weeks lying in bed, too depressed to do anything but cry. She is the one that took care of everything, from getting me to my doctors appointments to feeding me to making my apartment look like a home again. She got me out of bed.
Every single day, my mom will call me, or I will call her and we'll talk about the important things. Things like what a douchebag Jon Gosslin is or what outfit Lady GaGa wore to the last awards show. We talk about the books we're reading and current events happening, she tells me about the pets back home and what the family is up to, I let her know which friends I'm seeing that weekend and the adorable thing my cats have done that made me smile.
Truth: Every single day, I lie to my mom.
The truth is, I'm falling apart again and I'm too scared to tell her. I'm too scared to admit that I feel like I've let her down again. The truth is, I have already fallen apart.
In those daily phone calls to my mom, what I don't tell her is that I stay in bed until at least 12:20 or 1 in the afternoon every single day. On the days I don't work, I consider 6 pm to be naptime. I rarely leave my house, and when I do, it's only out of sheer need.
I cry. At least twice a day.
I don't see my friends nearly as often as I'd lead her to believe. Partly because I simply do not have the energy to make myself presentable to leave the house to socialize. Partly because I'm angry and bitter enough to resent my friends because they don't struggle with everyday life the way I do. And I hate that I feel that way, but I do.
I don't tell her that more often than not, I call in sick to work, and because of this, I am probably one month away from losing my car since I cannot afford the payments. Believe me, my parents have bailed me out financially more times than I care for this summer, and I will not ask them to do it again. I'll figure something out. I always do.
The stress of figuring out how to make my car payments, my rent, and every other bill I have stacked up keep me in a constant state of panic and anxiety. Because of this, I do not sleep at night, instead wishing for the Ambien and Lexapro presecription that I can't afford anymore because I had to cancel my insurance in order to be able to pay my bills. And the no working.
It is the most vile cycle I have ever been caught in. And I do not know how I am going to get out of it.
Truth: I'm 28 years old and all I want is my mommy.
posted by ColeyMarie | 12:29 AM
3 Comments:
start somewhere...maybe by telling her?
Talk to her. My mom died two years ago, even before that she was plagued with mental illness ever since I was a kid so I never had a relationship with my mom. She's your mom, she loves you and will understand.
I'm so sorry you're having such a bad time. Start by just doing something. I've been there I know it's hard but you have to start somewhere. Start by doing something small, something you can accomplish or finish, at least once a day. It will make you feel better about all the things you can't fix. Work your way up to the bigger stuff.
I understand! Bills on the table keep getting higher and higher it seems and the flow of cash less and less. Have you been looking for a new job? I know thats easier said then done but I think you workplace is the source of all these bad feelings your having and is leading you to be unhappy. Try changing something small in your life and the rest will follow. Good luck!!
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