I Invented Post-Its!

Here's a little background information about me. I grew up in a town smaller than you can imagine. So small, it's actually considered a village, and not a town. There are approximately 200 people in this town. There is a church (Catholic, of course) a gas station, 2 bars, a post office, a hardware store, and one school building that houses kindergarten through twelfth grade. We're all Polish and we're all farmers. Oh, we're also hicks. Everyone knows everyone, and you can sneeze on one side of town and twenty minutes later your grandma is calling your mom because she heard you were dying of pneumonia.

You can bet that I got the hell out of there as soon as I could. I graduated high school in May of 1999 and was gone by August. And I haven't been back since for longer than a week at a time. In fact, I went home for Christmas last year, and the next time I'll be back there is Easter of this year. That's a good chunk of time to go without seeing the family. But anyways.

I never really felt that I fit in there... I always knew I was destined for bigger and greater things. I didn't particularly like my classmates (there were only 38 of them.... and we were a big class) and wasn't all that sad when I moved away. At least three of my classmates have moved to the same town as me and in 10 years, I have not seen them once.

You can tell how broken-hearted I am by this fact, can't you?

So here's my problem. Our ten year reunion is this summer. I have been joking for at least a year that "just watch... our reunion is going to be a bonfire in someone's back yard with cans of PBR"

Turns out, I was not far off.

Our reunion is going to be a cookout. At a hunting camp. It's also potluck. And yes, we still have to pay to show up. I just don't even know.

Sure, cookouts are fun, and hell, even my own family has a hunting camp... but seriously? How is any of this appropriate? The whole idea of a reunion is to show up looking fabulous to make the others insanely jealous of your life.

How am I supposed to do that while wearing a sweatshirt and smelling of insect repellant?

Let's talk about this whole making other people jealous of me too. Let's face it, in a class of 37 (2 classmates have died) there's not much competition. But here's my problem.

I've done nothing with my life really for the last ten years but live it. I haven't finished school, I haven't gotten married, and I certainly didn't have kids. Um, go me?

So I'm sitting here, looking at this form that I'm supposed to fill out with all of the information I want to update my former classmates on. This is what I have so far:

"After many unsuccessful attempts at becoming a castmate on The Real World, Nicole decided that reality tv was meant for watching, not participating. She is currently on her third divorce recognized by the state of Michigan. The other two technically weren't valid marriages because of some pesky forgery on the marriage certficates. As of right now, there are two PPO's taken out against her, one for stalking a certain JustinBobby in Cabo San Lucas, another for throwing herself on the stage as Britney Spears took her encore. Currently, Nicole spends her nights drinking wine and practicing the Tyra Banks Next Top Model Runway Stomp on her hardwood floors. She is more fabulous than you, and her boobs are bigger than yours ever will be."

Somehow, I'm thinking that's not going to work. They wouldn't understand the humor. Hell, half of them wouldn't get it if I said "I invented Post-its."

Ugh. Do I go? Do I not go? Such decisions. Did you go to your reunion? Or, if it hasn't come around yet, do you plan on going?

And more importantly, who wants to crash mine with me? There may not be any PBR, but there sure as hell will be Natty Light. And I'll spring for the vodka.