Gutted No More

We've all seen the movie Sex and the City... and if you're like me, you've seen it about 2,000 times. And if you're really like me, you get choked up during the New Year's Eve scene because that version of Auld Lang Syne is absolutely breathtaking.

The other scene in that movie that absolutely gets to me? When the girls get to Mexico, and after letting Carrie sleep the first two days away, Samantha finally makes her sit up and have breakfast. Every time I see it, tears well up because dude? I've been there.

In those scenes where Carrie's in bed, and when Samantha is spoon-feeding her... Sarah Jessica Parker just looks so devastatingly gutted... and it just... it reminds me of when I wasn't getting out of bed, when I really didn't want to do anything but sleep and forget everything that was going on around me.

So why bring this up now? Partly because I watched the movie again last night (thanks, OnDemand!) and partly because this entire week, I've barely left my bed.

At first I thought it was H1N2, because I'm paranoid like that. I didn't feel very well at work on Sunday, and when I got home, I crawled into bed at 9 that night to watch Desperate Housewives and ended up falling asleep and not waking up again until almost 10 the next morning. That's a lot of sleep. The same thing happened Tuesday, I just could not stay awake! I stayed in bed, getting up only to feed the cats, shower, change into new pajamas, and to make tea. I slept a good 16 hours that day. Wednesday, I slept probably 12 or 13.

And while I'm not sick, I still don't feel right. Now, it's most likely because in the last two weeks I have made some huge life changing decisions.... changes that should be made one at a time, not all at once, and some of them I can't talk about yet, but there are a lot of balls hanging in the air, and sooner or later, they're all going to drop and I need to be prepared for that.

The main reason I'm bringing this all up now? The reason I'm comparing myself to the absolute worst SJP looked in the entire movie instead of one of the brighter, more fabulous moments?

Because I refuse to feel this way anymore. I refuse to let that gutted, hopeless feeling take over my life. I can overcome this, I can look past the few bad points that are left and I can concentrate on the positive and the good... because really, I have so much going on, and so many people in my life to be thankful and grateful for.

So all the despair and depression and regret that continue to nag at me... I'm done with it. I will not let it beat me again. It can't beat me again.

Starting today, I'm working my way back to happy.