This Effing Holiday

My Top Five Dating Disasters, or Why Nicole is Still Single

So like it or not, it's Valentine's Day. And like it or not, once again, I'm spending it alone. And because of a stupid, self-imposed rule, I can't even go out and fill up on cheap vodka to lessen the loneliness. Chocolate will work just as well. You know what I can do though? I can relive 5 of the worst dates I've lived through and remind myself that being single is so much better than having to date any of these guys!

Take a trip down memory lane with me...


#5. The Date Saved by Heath Ledger

I should have known from the first call that this would not go well. The first words out of his mouth were "You're going to have to change that ring back tone if we start dating." Excuse me? No one messes with my undying love of "Unwritten". We decide to to drinks at the local Buffalo Wild Wings and then hop on over to the IMax to see The Dark Knight. (I had already seen this movie the week before on another date, but whatever. Not important.) So then he breaks my first date rule and tells me (tells me! Not asks me, tells me!) that he will meet me at my house and I'll drive, because all he has is a motorcycle and only one helmet. Um yeah. And no, he can't just meet me there because he doesn't live here and doesn't know the way.

Red flags? Why yes, I saw them.

So he shows up - on time, which trust me, is the only thing he has going for him all night long, and we proceed on to Buffalo Wild Wings. In the ten minute drive there, he makes fun of my car, my music, and my house. And we haven't left the car yet. And also? You're 29 years old and live with your parents - don't judge me, buddy. At the bar, I knock back two raspberry vodka and lemonades as quickly as I can. He makes fun of my choice of drink. I order another one just to spite him. It's summer, so baseball on, and as a loyal Michigan resident, I cheer for the Tigers. He tells me I'm lame. We disagree on everything from religion to television shows to favorite foods.

He also spends the time we're at the table texting another girl. I'm not making this up. I get hit on on my way to the restroom and it is the highlight of my night. In the restroom, I weight my options. I really should just leave. Except I drove, and his stupid motorcycle is at my house. And he had pre-purchased the movie tickets and I really, really, wanted to see this movie on the IMax screen. So whatever. I make my way back to the table and finish my last drink. By finish, I mean suck up every last drop of alcohol in that glass.

Thankfully, The Dark Knight was one of those movies you don't talk through. I spent the next two and a half hours staring dreamily up at Christian Bale and Heath Ledger and wishing the guy next to me would disappear. He didn't. The only words he said on the drive back to my house were to make fun of the song on the radio.

He asked for a hug at the end of the night. I said no, handed him his helmet and closed the door on him, locking him out. Then I called his cell phone and blared "Unwritten" into his voicemail until it cut me off. He never called me back.


#4. Fifteen Minutes or Less

Matt was a friend of someone I worked with. We spoke on the phone several times and then decided to meet for coffee one afternoon this past fall. Within five minutes of me sitting down, he told me he believed in wives being obedient and submissive to their husbands. I smiled and nodded, and mentioned how I had seen this on various Duggar family programs or Wife Swap.

Eight minutes in, he asked me if I always wore such revealing clothing. I looked down at my v-necked tank top and capris. I asked if he had any pets.

10 minutes in, he asked if I always wore so much make up. I had on mascara and clear lip gloss.

12 minutes in, he wanted to know if I would be okay with preparing all of his meals, setting out his clothing daily, and otherwise submit to his every need and whim.

I grabbed my purse and got my whore-faced, scantily clad self out of there before I even finished my coffee.


#3. Who Will Save My Soul?

I met Chris on an online dating site. An online dating site where my profile picture is the one on this page. You know, where I'm clearly enjoying a beer? Anyways. We meet for lunch at Panera Bread. He's a real estate broker and you know what? He's effing gorgeous. I'm quite happy to sit down next to him.

Here is our conversation after getting our food.

Me: I love the frozen lemonade here.
Him: Yeah, it's great. So, when was the last time you went to Church?
Me: Oh. Um. Two weeks ago? I'm still trying to find a Catholic Church here that I like.
Him: Oh you're Catholic? I dated one of those before.
Me: Um yeah. There's a lot of us.
Him: She drank and believed in birth control. Not quite following the ways of the Church.
Me: This lemonade is really good.
Him: What about you? Do you drink?
Me: Sure.
Him: And sex? Do you believe in birth control? What about sex before marriage? Are you sexually promiscuous?
Me: (blushes) Well, no but...
Him: Don't you think you hurt God with your choices? Do you think you'll be saved from Hell? I'll pray for you.
Me: Right, I'm um... I'm just going to go.

What.The.Hell.

#2. Two Losers for the Price of One

Oh, the classic Double Blind Date. Gotta love 'em, right? This was so long ago, I don't even remember the names of the guys that were going to take me and my friend Kristen out that night. I do know that they were bankers. We were well aware of that fact. Shallow? Sometimes.

So Kristen and I are at my house, waiting for the guys to show up. Naturally, we looked amazing. Classy though, as these guys were taking us to one of the nicer places downtown. The guys show up and I let them into the apartment. Guy #1 stands in the middle of my living room, hands on hips, looks around and says, "Wow... this is a really spacious apartment." Guy #2 nods in agreement.

Riiight. No, "Hey girls, you look great!" Just a casual observance that I have a really spacious apartment. Who even says that? Who uses the word spacious freely? My roommate who is not going on this date, snorts and disappears into her room before she starts laughing too loudly. Can't say I blame her, really. We go to dinner, and the guys are complete pompous assholes! If I remember correctly, they went on and on about the wine choices and blah blah blah. They had dinner. Kristen and I had dessert. The look she was giving me was identical to the one I was giving her.

You may know it. The look that says, "Let's get the hell out of here!"

Half an hour in and they're still talking about themselves. I think. To be honest, most of the details of this date have escaped my memory because it was so mind-numbingly boring. I do however, remember Kristen and I coming up with the brilliant spur of the moment lie that "Oh my god! I totally forgot that we have to be at the store at 7 in the morning to do inventory! We should go home and get some sleep!" Totally believable, right?

An hour and a half after the date had started, Kristen and I had ditched the guys for College Night at a favorite bar, drinking $2 mini-pitchers of Sex on the Beach and swearing never to see these guys again.

They never called. Can't imagine why.


And the worst date of all time....

#1. When Love Goes Wrong, Nothing Goes Right

This wasn't a first date with a guy, but rather a last date. Long story short; The Canadian was living with me, I thought we were going to get married. He broke up with me a week before Thanksgiving and I couldn't get him back across the border until FOUR DAYS after he broke my heart. Fun times.

But, I had loved him. And I still thought he would come back to me. I was very very stupid. So when he suggested that we go out on a movie/dinner/hot tub date for his last night in the US, I agreed. Anything to get out of the Apartment o' Heartbreak.

We went to Carrabas for dinner. I tried not to cry as he tried to hold my hand over the table. The small talk was painful, he wanted to know my favorite memories of our year together. I wanted to know why he was leaving me. The server screwed up my order but I didn't care, it wasn't like I was going to eat any of it anyway. He ate his dinner like nothing was wrong, like we were a normal happy couple, out on the town.

After dinner, we went to see a movie. And God help me, I cannot remember if it was Nacho Libre or Borat. Both were his choices. I want to say it was Borat. It was, because I remember being appalled through the entire movie that 1. we were actually watching this, and 2. again, he acted as though nothing was wrong. He kept his arm around me the entire movie. I hate that I let him.

From the movie, we went hot tubbing. And again, he tried to act as though we were some happy couple, not one that was broken up. I'll spare you the details, but needless to say, he was not happy when I turned him down.

Go ahead and say it. He was an ass.

It was truly the most awful night of my life. I get what he was trying to do, he was trying to give me one last happy night before I drove him back across the border and would never see him again.

That happy night ended with me alone in my bed sobbing my eyes out, and him on the couch watching late night tv.



So there we have it. Yeah, I know, I know. My dating record is not stellar. Sure, I could go on and on about the great and wonderful dates I've been on but you know what? Not this weekend. Not just yet.

Happy Valentine's Day!