Breakfast at Wal-Mart

Come along for the ride as I try to find my way to where I'm supposed to be. Whether it be Tiffany's or Wal-Mart, it's bound to be a good time getting there!

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Location: Grand Rapids, Michigan

Officially in my 30s, still single and realizing that maybe everything's actually going to be okay.

Friday, January 30, 2009

I knew Taylor Swift and I were meant to be BFF!

Taylor Swift is awesome. I've said that for the last year or so, and I've also said I wanted to be her BFF, based purely on her appearances on Ellen. She just always seems to be happy and having a good time, and well, today she proved her awesomeness to me, and sealed our fate.

Taylor and I are BFF 4-eva!

On January 24, Taylor posted a MySpace blog detailing the facts about how when she was away for awhile, her mom re-arranged her bathroom... I was reading through the blog and lo and behold...

"But then I turned around and was startled by something... Where was my Britney Spears poster.... No, this can't be right... WHERE is it?!? I searched the room frantically for a few seconds before finding it's new spot. My Britney Spears poster (from 6th grade) had been relocated to my bedroom, which is another AMAZING upgrade. This way, I see it more often and it more proudly displays my unwavering devotion to Britney Spears."

This almost makes me want to rehang my Britney Spears posters, purchased from the first concert I went to back in March of 2000. Oh yes, I still have them. I still have them all.

Taylor, I already knew you were amazing, but our newfound connection of our unwavering devotion to Britney? It almost brings a tear to my eye!

Update: Muffin seems to be feeling better this afternoon, and her eyes are starting to clear up, so I'm breathing a bit easier, and not feeling so bad about going out tonight.

Happy Friday!

My Muffin

Heh, this is so not that type of post.





No, this about my cat...my pet cat, thank you very much. I've had Muffin for 7 years now, and she pretty much owns me. She's the friendliest cat in the world, and sometimes thinks she's a dog. She plays fetch with hershey kiss wrappers because she's awesome like that.






To be fair, I have two cats, Muffin and Mitten, they're from the same litter, but well... Mitten hates me. I can't pick her up, I can't kiss the top of her head, and she doesn't sleep by my head, but rather by my feet. Basically, she thinks she's better than me.






Muffin, on the other hand, adores me. When she was 2 months old I taught her to lick my nose anytime I say "give momma a kiss", and any time I sit down, she immediately jumps up onto my lap. She gets upset when I close the bedroom (and yes, bathroom) doors, and if I'm in the shower, she's sitting next to the bathtub waiting for me to get out, crying the whole time.






Co-dependent much?






Basically, she's my baby. My little girl, and 'd be truly, truly lost without her.






Which is why I feel so bad about this morning.






Seeing as how I work second shift, and sometimes go out after work, I tend to sleep in most mornings. Muffin doesn't always agree with this, she likes to play in the morning. This morning in particular, she woke me up sometime around oh, 6:45. I was not impressed. The way she wakes me up is pretty cute though, she wriggles her way right up to my head and taps at my nose and my cheek with her paw. When I don't wake up right away, she taps a little harder, and then a little harder, and finally, she slaps me awake.






This morning when she slapped me awake, I wasn't much in a snuggle-the-cat kind of mood. So much so that I kinda knocked her off the bed and told her to leave me alone. She jumped back up and slapped me again. I knocked her off with another stern, "Muffin, no! Momma needs sleep!" She cried at me for a bit and then left me alone.






She came back around 9... sat on my chest and tapped my cheek again until I woke up. Again, I pushed her off the bed and this time she cried so pathetically that I actually put my glasses on and called her back up to the bed with a "Momma's sorry, Muffin, come here."






She jumped back up and I finally looked at her. You guys, both of her eyes were all watery and runny... she's sick! My baby was sick and wanting mom to comfort her and mom kicked her off the bed and yelled at her.






I'm a bad mom, y'all.






Yes, I felt guilty. Yes, I told her I was sorry and snuggled her up next to me under the covers and pet her til she fell back asleep where we slept for the next 45 minutes before I finally had to get out of bed. And yes, I went to the store and bought her special treats.






Owned by cat? Yes, yes I am.






But she's sick, guys! I'm sure it's just a cold, but I have no idea what to do about this, as I don't want to take her to the vet because well, I never take my cats to the vet after one of my other cats once faked a stroke at one... true story. I just keep wiping at her eyes, and watching her to make sure she doesn't get any worse, and I don't know what else to do. She's eating just fine it looks like, and she's drinking the water, but even as I type this, all she wants to do is lay on me and sleep.






Which, though I love snuggling the cat, is getting to be kind of annoying. She's not very small. But since I feel like such a jerk about this morning, she's going to pretty much do anything she wants all day.






Crazy cat lady? Why yes, yes I am! But come on! Look at her face... you can't tell me you wouldn't do the same thing!















Thursday, January 29, 2009

OMG! You Have to read/see/watch blah blah blah

Confession: I've never seen a Star Wars Movie. I've never seen Jurassic Park or Forest Gump, either. I refuse to watch the Matrix.

I've never read a single Harry Potter book or seen a movie and I never will. I laughed my ass off when my friend Eric revealed the ending of the last book to all of our friends on MySpace.

I don't twitter. I've never seen an episode of The Bachelor or Lost.

I am decidedly against the entire Twilight mania. I tried, I really did. I read the first two chapters of the first book and was less than unimpressed. And when a friend told me "You really need to get past the first 8 chapters before it picks up" I became even less interested. If I want to watch something about vampires, I'll rotate between True Blood and my Buffy the Vampire Slayer dvds.

People are always shocked and dismayed when I tell them any of the above facts and at least one out of five will say "Ohmygod! Butyouhavetobecauseitsseriouslythebestthingeverandohmygod!Don'tyouunderstandthathe'savampireinlovewithahuman!"***

Guess what? I don't have watch/read/see.

And really, that's the only thing keeping me from any of those at the point. Proving that yes, I will continue to live even if I never see the Star Wars trilogy and who gets off the island on Lost. Yes, I'm that stubborn and intent on proving a point that no one really cares about. I'm sorry, but I don't have to.

Imagine all of the good things I could be coming up with; the inventions, the cures, the novels I could be writing if I used my powers for good rather than bad.

So far, so good.

But oh my God! You have to watch Gossip Girl, guys!! /end sarcasm.

And, because I accidentally deleted them off of my phone this morning while half-asleep, I'm going to leave you with two of the best text messages I have ever received on my phone. They will mean nothing to you, but they are hilarious to me.

"I show up and the Tool is fucked up. And had been crying. Shoot me. In my vagina."

"But pirates don't eat Taco Bell."

Happy Thursday! It's nearly the weekend!

**This was very hard to write without hitting the space bar.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Hockey Puck, Rattlesnake, Monkey Monkey Underpants

"Because my brain is a wild jungle full of scary gibberish…I'm writing a letter…I can't write a letter…why can't I write a letter?…I'm wearing a green dress…I wish I was wearing my blue dress…my blue dress is at the cleaners…the Germans wore grey…you wore blue…Casablanca, Casablanca…such a good movie…Casablanca…the White House…Bush…why don't I drive a hybrid car? I should really drive a hybrid car…I should really take my bicycle to work…bicycle, unicycle, unitard…hockey puck, rattle snake, monkey, monkey, underpants.**"

*ahem* Sorry about that, I got a little carried away with the big bag of weird floating around in my life right now.

Life is pretty much that weird. The randomness floating around in my mind today is almost too much even for me. I mean, take into consideration the random thoughts that popped into my head on the fifteen minute drive home from the post office earlier:

"New Kids on the Block is having a concert in town in April. I should go, just to hear Step by Step." - Um, for the record, I never even liked New Kids on the Block! For real, I was a Wilson Phillips/Paula Abdual kind of girl.

"I am so thankful I wasn't raised in a house where we all sing "We Will Rock You" while getting ready for the Superbowl, courtesy of Wal-Mart." - Does anyone else hate that commercial?

"Also thankful for? The fact that I was not raised in a creepy Duggar-style family, and therefore was allowed to enjoy my first kiss not only before my wedding day, but alone, without everyone and their creepy dad watching." Anyone else watch the Duggar Wedding? Creepiest tv special ever.

"I want cupcakes. No frosting thought."

"Nevermind, I have cookies at home."

"No Diet Coke though..."

"Crap, I can't buy anymore... no Diet Coke in the house for the next month!"

"Why was I stupid enough to go through with that idea?"

"I still really want a cupcake."

Not to mention a seriously inappropriate thought containing Jason Morgan and a pool table in a dark and seedy bar.

Yes, that was my drive home. I'm surprised I made it.

Oh... not that this has anything to do with anything above... I mean, I don't even want to take the time to come up with a halfway decent segue into it, but whatever. I had a date Friday night.

And seriously? Worst date ever. Okay, that's not true, but it's definitely in my top 5 worst dates of all time... (and yes, look forward to that being a blog coming up soon!)

So anyways. Friday... this guy... we'll call him... Clingy because within two days of me giving him my phone number he calls me at least 9 times, and I can't even count the number of text messages.

Yeah, not impressed so far. In fact so not impressed that I consider calling the date off. But, I think I've been blowing guys off too quickly lately ("Dirty!" as Lorelai would say) and not giving them a chance, so I decide to go through with it. We agree to meet for dinner at 6:30. He's driving into town from 90 minutes away but he waits until 6:25 to call me and tell me he's running about 45 minutes late.

Um, great, because I'm already there. Whatever. I wander next door and enjoy a tasty alcoholic beverage that I don't think he needs to know about.

He finally gets to the restaurant and we sit down to a mostly pleasant dinner. We talk through the basics... school, friends, various favorites. He can't name a favorite movie or a favorite song.

This does not go over well with me.

Dinner comes to an end, and he reaches for the check to pay. Call me old-fashioned but I still believe that if a guy asks you out for a date, he's obligated to pay for the first one. I always follow through with offering (and usually insisting) for paying for drinks afterward.

He hands the server his credit card, but it's unsigned. And for some reason we have the only server I have ever seen who requests to see an id to accept the card as payment.

Do you see where this is going yet?

Clingy reaches into his jacket and makes a "huh?" face. Turns out, he doesn't have his wallet on him. He has his credit card, but not his wallet? I find this all very suspicious, but maybe that's just me. Server won't take the card so I end up paying for dinner. I'm not upset exactly, but I'm not thrilled either. I never said I was perfect.

So dinner's done, and he's like, "well... we could go have a drink." Oh really, we could? Not likely with your lack of id and all. I feel bad for bailing early on the night though so I suggest we head to the Buffalo Wild Wings next door to catch some of the basketball game and "enjoy a coke" because yeah, we're back in high school now.

Our waitress at BDubs? So not happy we're taking up table space on a Friday night and drinking only soda, doesn't even bother to charge us for the drinks! Of course, this makes me feel infinitely like crap (as a former server) and since Clingy has no cash on him, I end up leaving like a 10 dollar tip.

By now, it's 9:45 and I lamely tell Clingy that I need to go home and go to bed because I have to be up at 5:00 to babysit. If he didn't see through that, then he's not as smart as he leads me to believe. He hugs me (one arm around one shoulder type of hug) in the parking lot and gets into his car... not bothering to make sure I make it to mine safely. I don't mind much.

Before I had even left the parking lot, a mass text had been sent out asking where everyone was at and who was drinking what? 15 minutes later I was at a bar with the friends with a pitcher of beer in hand.

It was the most fun I had all night.

Since then, Clingy has texted 19 times and called only twice. (I let him know I wasn't a big phone talker.) Either I'm just that damn irresistable, or he's that damn desperate. I'm not sure.

And I haven't decided if he gets a date two yet or not. Truth be told, I'm just about ready to give up on the whole dating thing for awhile and focus on myself.

Doesn't sound like too bad of an idea actually.

**e-high fives to anyone who knows where this quote is from without googling it.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

We've Been Here Before

Dear Depression,

We've met before. As far as I was concerned, our time together was more than enough, We were finished. I was done with you and perfectly content to continue on with life without you.

So please, tell me why you've decided to come back to me now.

I do not know when you showed up exactly, but the signs are loud and clear. It's too hard to get out of bed in the morning, the smallest things make me cry, I doubt the sincerity of anyone else in my life.

I cannot do this again. I will not do this again. You, you asshat, are supposed to be gone, and I'm supposed to be strong enough to keep you away. I'm not though. I don't have the strength to do this again, Depression, I cannot fight you one more time.

You win. If you want to be here so badly, I am not going to stop you.

Have at it. Do your best.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

What Would Rachael Ray Do?

"The only thing I've made in the kitchen is a mess. And several small fires."
~Carrie, Sex and the City

Random fact #346 about me: I can't cook.

Okay, I can kind of cook. I know how to make exactly three meals. The first being pasta, because let's face it, who can mess up pasta? The others are meatloaf and mashed potatoes (for the menfolk, when I have menfolk around), and this awesome chicken and tomato dish that I learned from my mom, because really? Even I can dump a can of stewed tomatoes over cooking chicken and call it gourmet.

It's not that I don't want to cook. I do. I really do. I have the Rachael Ray cookbooks, I watch Everyday Italian on the Food Network. But that's as far as it goes. I have a blender, but I truly believe it's sole purpose in my kitchen is for making delicious frozen cocktails.

However, I find it hard to find a very good reason to cook when I live alone and hate eating leftovers. It's so hard to make a full meal for one person and not be eating it the rest of the week. And being the typical girly girl I am, I'm really okay living off of bagels, salad, and Diet Coke. I think that's perfectly fine.

But what's going to happen when I actually do get married? You know, the honeymoon has just ended, I've been carried over the threshold of our perfect home, and oops... Perfect Husband is hungry. And I'm thinking a box of noodles and a jar of sauce ain't going to cut it.

Now, I can bake. Oh sure, throw me in a kitchen with a cute ruffly pink apron and I'm freaking Betty Crocker... I can whip up cookies and cakes and brownies like you've never seen before... but again, I'm thinking that won't be enough to satisfy the Perfect Husband.

Okay, maybe it will for the first couple of months. But even I can only have cake for dinner so many times in a row.

So I ask you, are there any simple, basic meals that you make that you can't live without? Or should I pitch the whole "cooking for my husband" fantasy out the window and go back to the one where Perfect Husband's idea of a Perfect Night is taking me out to dinner?

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

On a More Serious Note...

Have any of you read the letter the Bush twins wrote to the Obama girls? I read it last night at work (no internet at work rule doesn't apply on historic days in my opinion. Let's see if the IT department agrees...) and oh wow, maybe I'm just a bit emotional still, but it was the cutest darn letter ever.

Laura Bush, you have done an amazing job raising Jenna and Barbara...

Sasha and Malia, we were seven when our beloved grandfather was sworn in as the 41st President of the United States. We stood proudly on the platform, our tiny hands icicles, as we lived history. We listened intently to the words spoken on Inauguration Day service, duty, honor. But being seven, we didn't quite understand the gravity of the position our Grandfather was committing to. We watched as the bands marched by -- the red, white, and blue streamers welcoming us to a new role: the family members of a President.

We also first saw the White House through the innocent, optimistic eyes of children. We stood on the North Lawn gazing with wonder at her grand portico. The White House was alive with devoted and loving people, many of whom had worked in her halls for decades. Three of the White House ushers, Buddy, Ramsey, and "Smiley", greeted us when we stepped into her intimidating hallway. Their laughter and embraces made us feel welcome right away. Sasha and Malia, here is some advice to you from two sisters who have stood where you will stand and who have lived where you will live:

-- Surround yourself with loyal friends. They'll protect and calm you and join in on some of the fun, and appreciate the history.

-- If you're traveling with your parents over Halloween, don't let it stop you from doing what you would normally do. Dress up in some imaginative, elaborate costume (if you are like us a pack of Juicy Fruit and a Vampiress) and trick-or-treat down the plane aisle.

-- If you ever need a hug, go find Ramsey. If you want to talk football, look for Buddy. And, if you just need a smile, look for "Smiley."

-- And, a note on White House puppies--our sweet puppy Spot was nursed on the lawn of the White House. And then of course, there's Barney, who most recently bit a reporter. Cherish your animals because sometimes you'll need the quiet comfort that only animals can provide.

-- Slide down the banister of the solarium, go to T-ball games, have swimming parties, and play Sardines on the White House lawn. Have fun and enjoy your childhood in such a magical place to live and play.

-- When your dad throws out the first pitch for the Yankees, go to the game.

-- In fact, go to anything and everything you possibly can: the Kennedy Center for theater, State Dinners, Christmas parties (the White House staff party is our favorite!), museum openings, arrival ceremonies, and walks around the monuments. Just go. Four years goes by so fast, so absorb it all, enjoy it all!

For four years, we spent our childhood holidays and vacations in the historic house. We could almost feel the presence of all the great men and women who had lived here before us. When we played house, we sat behind the East sitting room's massive curtains as the light poured in illuminating her yellow walls. Our seven-year-old imaginations soared as we played in the enormous, beautiful rooms; our dreams, our games, as romantic as her surroundings. At night, the house sang us quiet songs through the chimneys as we fell asleep.

In late December, when snow blanketed the front lawn, all of our cousins overtook the White House. Thirteen children between the ages of two and 12 ran throughout her halls, energized by the crispness in the air and the spirit of the season. Every room smelled of pine; the entire house was adorned with thistle; garlands wound around every banister. We sat on her grand staircase and spied on the holiday dancing below. Hours were spent playing hide-and-go-seek. We used a stage in the grand ballroom to produce a play about Santa and his reindeer. We watched as the National Christmas Tree was lit and admired the chef as he put the final icing on the gingerbread house.

When it was time, we left the White House. We said our goodbyes to her and to Washington. We weren't sure if we would spend time among her historical walls again, or ever walk the National Mall, admiring the cherry blossoms that resembled puffs of cotton candy. But we did return. This time we were 18. The White House welcomed us back and there is no doubt that it is a magical place at any age.

As older girls, we were constantly inspired by the amazing people we met, politicians and great philosophers like Vaclav Havel. We dined with royalty, heads of states, authors, and activists. We even met the Queen of England and managed to see the Texas Longhorns after they won the National Championship. We traveled with our parents to foreign lands and were deeply moved by what we saw. Trips to Africa inspired and motivated us to begin working with HIV/AIDS and the rights of women and children all over the world.

Now, the White House ballrooms were filled with energy and music as we danced. The East sitting room became a peaceful place to read and study. We ran on the track in the front lawn, and squared off in sisterly bowling duels down in the basement alley.

This Christmas, with the enchanting smell of the holidays encompassing her halls, we will again be saying our good-byes to the White House. Sasha and Malia, it is your turn now to fill the White House with laughter.

And finally, although it's an honor and full of so many extraordinary opportunities, it isn't always easy being a member of the club you are about to join. Our dad, like yours, is a man of great integrity and love; a man who always put us first. We still see him now as we did when we were seven: as our loving daddy. Our Dad, who read to us nightly, taught us how to score tedious baseball games. He is our father, not the sketch in a paper or part of a skit on TV. Many people will think they know him, but they have no idea how he felt the day you were born, the pride he felt on your first day of school, or how much you both love being his daughters. So here is our most important piece of advice: remember who your dad really is.

(copied in full from the Wall Street Journal)

Pop Culture Whore

Every once in awhile, I stumble upon things I have saved on my computer that make me burst into hysterical fits of giggles.

Example #1:


I mean seriously. Is there a more hilariously terrifying thought than running through a subway tunnel and coming across Jack Bauer, Chuck Norris, and Uncle freaking Jesse?

That's a trifecta of badass, no doubt about it.



Example #2



Jessica and Elizabeth Wakefield. No, I do not know why I have a picture of the Sweet Valley High girls on my computer, but while we're on the subject, be honest girls... while you told everyone you liked Elizabeth the best, you really wanted to be Jessica, didn't you? I know I did.



Example #3


How much hair product do you think was used in this picture alone?

I mean it, was there a period of time in my life when all I did was collect pictures of the teen idols of my youth, hid them away in photobucket, and never looked at them again? This, my friends, is what happens when you suffer from insomnia; and spend your nights not sleeping, but engaging in MySpace photo comment wars, senseless AIM conversations, and watch way too much VH1's I Love the ... series.

(I saved you by not posting the pictures I have of Blanche from the Golden Girls, and the dad from Growing Pains... there is no good reason for having these on my computer...)

Oh photobucket, what would I do without you?

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

March Madness: Infomercial Style!

Oh.My.God.

This is seriously the best idea ever. March Madness is great for basketball sure, but what about... informercials?

It's downright genius.

Oh come on, if I was to randomly yell out "Set it and forget it!" you would know what I was talking about. Chances are, you know someone who owns a Loud Mouth Billy Bass. You dream of the Shamwow. And the Magic Bullet? No words are needed to explain that one.

CNBC is hosting the first annual Best Product "As Seen On TV" Bracket . I am voting my little heart out on this, you can be sure about that.

Here are the matchups for the first round by region. My picks are in bold.

"Household/Automotive" region

#1 - The Clapper vs. #16 - The Buttoneer
#8 - Hercules Hooks vs. #9- Awesome Auger
#5 - Aerobed vs. #12 - Huggable Hangers
#4 -Mighty Putty vs. #13 - Ding King
#6 - OxiClean vs. #11 - Stick-up Bulb
#3 - Flowbee vs. #14 - Magic Jack
#7 - Snuggie vs. #10 - Tiddy Bear
#2 - Shamwow vs. #15 - Little Giant Ladder System

"Kitchen/Food" region

#1 - George Foreman Grill vs #16 Donut Express
#8 - Big City Sliders vs. #9 - Tater Mitts
#5 - Ronco Showtime Rotisserie vs. #12 - Pancake Puffs
#4 - Veg-o-Matic vs. #13 - Electric Food Dehydrator
#6 - Food Saver vs. #11 - Pasta Pro
#3 - Magic Bullet vs. #14 - Grill Daddy
#7 - Jack LaLanne's Power Juicer vs. #10 - Egg Wave
#2 - Ginsu Knives vs. #15 - Hot Dog Toaster

"Health/Fitness" region

#1 - Thigh Master vs. #16 - Hip Hop Abs
#8 - Hair Club for Men vs. #9 - Procede
#5 - Tony Little's Gazelle vs. #12 - Nad's
#4 - Richard Simmons' Sweatin' to the Oldies vs. #13 - Body by Jake
#6 - Perfect Pushup vs. #11 - Hawaii Chair
#3 - Nordic Track vs. #14 - Bowflex
#7 - Life Call Alert vs. #Enzyte
#2 - NutriSystem vs. #15 - BluBlockers

"Everything Else" region

#1 - Girls Gone Wild vs. #16 - Buxton Bag
#8 - Miss Cleo vs. #9 - Tom Emanski's Defensive Drill Videos
#5 - Bedazzler vs. #12 - Gold Kit
#4 - Video Professor vs. #13 - Charleton Heston Presents the Bible
#6 - Pocket Fisherman vs. #11 - Aqua Globes
#3 - Big Mouth Billy Bass vs. #14 - Mr. Microphone
#7 - Tony Robbin's Personal Power vs. #10 - Matthew Lesko's "Free" Government Money
#2 - Chia Pet vs. #15 - Floam


Seriously, you have no idea how thrilled this whole thing makes me.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Blue Monday? What about Red Sunday?

"No. The blues are because you're getting fat and maybe it's been raining too long, you're just sad that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?" Holly Golightly, Breakfast at Tiffany's

Let's talk about my Sunday, shall we?

First, I woke up entirely too early. I had gotten home Saturday night around 2:30, but didn't manage to fall asleep until nearly 5. Which means of course, I'm wide awake by 10:00. Lovely. And there's nothing on television on Sunday mornings except reruns of Moving Up on TLC.

Had to run a few errands so I finally got dressed and looked out the window. Fabulous. At least another 3 inches of snow on top of the 6 inches I hadn't shoveled out of the driveway yet. So looking forward to getting out of that.

But first? I need to find my keys. Which I cannot find. I check the door to see if I've left them in the lock (happens more than I care for) but they aren't there. I check all of the tables, countertops, shelves, floor space available, but no luck. They've simply disappeared.

If you think Nicole is prepared enough to actually have a spare set of keys, you are sorely mistaken.

Finally, I find the one spare key to my car, and decide that my errands won't take too long, I can just go and *ugh* leave my house unlocked. Because really? If someone wants to come in and steal the collection of empty diet coke cans that is in my basement, they are more than welcome to.

I go, run my errands, and come back with just enough time to grab something to eat, take a quick shower, and find my real keys before heading off to work. Great.

Remember the driveway I mentioned earlier? The one with fresh snow, and packed down iced up snow from the snowplow at the very edge of the driveway? For a moment, as I'm pulling onto my street I think I should just park on the road, and that way won't have any problems getting back out. Except, I rationalize (poorly) that I made it out of the driveway, therefore, if I hit the gas hard, I'll make it back in no problem. And then don't have to make the long walk to the front door of my house. What? It's Sunday, and I'm lazy.

Yeah, all fine and dandy and it would have worked if not for the damn crazy squirrel that appeared out of the sky and landed on the hood of my car. It scared the crap out of me and knee-jerk reaction, I hit the brake pedal and turned the wheel and the next thing I knew, I was stuck in the snowbank right next to my driveway.

(Number of times I've been stuck in my driveway this winter alone: 4)

Wonderful. Now I look at my watch, and it's 2:45, and I have to be to work at 4, which means I have to leave by 3:30. I get out of the car and survey the situation. Okay, I think. I can do this.

And I did. But it took two shovels, a bag of rock salt, and a lot of un-girly words muttered under my breath. And I made it to work with 5 minutes to spare, but no shower and no dinner were had.

Oh, and I found my keys. In a pair of shoes. Yeah, I don't know.

All night at work, as I tried to warm up (impossible after "playing" in the snow for so long), and feeling the muscles tighten up in my back, and having my hands start to ache from gripping the shovel so hard, I finally pinpointed what was upsetting me so much.

Did I care that I had to dig my car out of the snow? No, welcome to Michigan, we all have to do it at least once in our lives. No, what upset me was the fact that I had to do it alone. That there was absolutely no one I could call that would feel in the least obligated to even want to help me.

This thought then spiraled into me realizing just how truly alone I am. Just how close I actually am to being that crazy cat lady who ends up falling down her stairs and nobody realizes it for days because there was nobody to check on her to see if she was okay.

I've lived completely on my own for 7 years now. And I've loved every bit of having my independence but goddamn, how much longer am I going to be alone for? And when will I be strong enough and brave enough to be able to handle it and actually believe that I'm going to be okay?

Oy, I swear the next post will be a happy and lighthearted one. While I may be the crazy cat lady, I sure as hell don't want to be the depressed crazy cat lady.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Who Knew Making Money Was So Easy?

There are two stories circulating the web right now that I can't stop thinking about. Both are very similar, in that they are two very easy ways of making money, but they're also very different in how they're doing it.

The first one, is a blogger's dream. I know you've all seen this story, and I know you're all plotting on how to get the edge to apply and win.

Seriously? Live rent free for 6 months in a beautiful beach house and you know, blog weekly about snorkeling, tanning, and fishing? Did I mention if pays $100,000? I'm definitely trying to figure out my "hook" and applying.

The second story, again, I'm sure you've all seen. 22 year old girl auctions of virginity to pay for schooling for her and her twin sister. As of right now, the highest bid is $3.7 million.

I won't lie, I probably would sell myself for that kind of money. I say, if she can get away with it (the Feds seem powerless to stop her since she's going to host the night in Nevada where prostitution is legal), then by all means, go for it.

On the other hand, you have to wonder, just who is the man who actually thought "eh, some girl's virginity? What the hell, I got 3.7 million laying around for a rainy day."? For her sake, I hope he's at least worth it.

So girls, would you do it? And if so, for what price? How about you guys? Would you be willing to pay for someone's virginity? And if so, how much?

Hypothetically speaking of course... and no judging! Hell, like I said, I totally would do it. For nothing less than 2 million.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Officially in the Friend Zone

I feel so untouched
And I want you so much
That I just can't resist you
It's not enough to say that I miss you
I feel so untouched right now
Need you so much somehow
I can't forget you
I've gone crazy from the moment I met you
--Untouched, the Veronicas




Last summer I started seeing this guy, and things were going really well. We met just after the Fourth of July, and things just clicked. As the summer went on, things began to progress, and I began to let my guard down and let myself start thinking of things in long term. I even had that moment. You know, the one where you're watching the other person and they're completely oblivious to the fact, and while you're staring at them, you have that one thought creep into your mind.

"...he very well could end up being the one..."

Naturally, three days later he broke up with me. Completely out of the blue. At the time, I was devastated. He wanted to continue on being friends but well, I've never really believed in being friends with someone you dated. I just don't think it's a good idea.

Fast forward a few months, to the end of October, one month after the break up, and I decide to throw caution to the wind and call him to see how he is. Alcohol may or may not have been a deciding factor. We talk a few times, hang out a couple of times, and before I know it, I'm completely in the friend zone.

Am I okay with that? At the time, sure. I mean, as far as I knew I was.

This whole hanging out/being friends/flirting/sexting relationship continues on through the fall and into winter. The entire month of December is days spent texting, nights spent hanging out.

As friends, of course.

New Year's Eve. Neither of us had any truly thrilling plans, so to speak, so he and his roommate came out with me to a few of my friends' parties. Now, keep in mind, I had spent that entire week with him - concerts, drinking, watching movies, texting when we weren't actually together... yeah, I saw him more in that week alone than in any week when we were actually dating.

So anyways, back to the story. New Year's Eve... we hang out, we hug at midnight (lame!), and then watch a movie back at his place with his roommate. Around 4 am, I finally decide that I better get myself home before it gets any later, and as always, he walks me to the door. As I'm leaving, like every other night, he gives me a hug goodbye.

Well, fuck.

It was during that hug I realized just how very much I missed him as a boyfriend and how very much I hated being just his friend. I held on a little tighter than I should have, (note: he didn't pull away) and then smiled sadly and said goodnight quickly before walking out the door. The entire drive home I ran the previous couple of months through my head and realized just how much of an idiot I have been, and truthfully, how the hell did I not see this coming?

Because I'm an idiot.

Friendboy, as I'll call him, since he's not my Boyfriend, and I don't have much of a chance of getting back together. He's seeing several other people, trying to find "the one" and I'm striking out on all of my dates because well, clearly, I still want him and I keep comparing every single guy to him and they fail. Oh yeah, and the guy who asked me my bra size before the waitress brought us our drinks? Yeah, he struck out all on his own, with no help from me. Sorry I never called you back, asshat.

Since New Year's Eve, not much has changed... Friendboy and I still hang out, I listen to him talk about his problems finding the girl he wants to date, and he listens to my complaining about all of the jerks I've met. We send scandalous texts all day long, and do our fair share of sexting at night.

Since New Year's Eve, so much has changed... I notice more often, the way he smells when I bury my face in his shoulder when we hug goodbye. I fight to not reach over in the truck and grab his hand while we're driving. I want nothing more than to curl up into his side as we watch Old School for the millionth time and rest my head on his shoulder.

I don't want to be his friend.

The whole situation pretty much just sucks. And I don't even know what to do about it because yeah, I used to be smart enough to stay away from friending the exes. Nevermind the fact that there's this whole other part of me that believes that there's that chance that things will happen like they do in the movies and that this will one day sort itself out and we'll live happily ever after.

I can't not be his friend for fear of missing this chance.

Pathetic or hopeful? Naive or patient?

I have no idea anymore. I just know that I can't help but smile when his name shows up on my phone. And he has no idea; I'm certainly not going to tell him.

And that, my friends, tells me that I'm truly fucked.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Why yes, I was intoxicated!

So back on the second day of this month, there was a little celebration I like to refer to as, "the day Nicole turned 28 years old and went to the bar with 20 of her closest friends to celebrate."




Good times, you say? Indeed!



You know it was a good night out when you wake up the next morning having no memory of getting home but when you run through the "oh my god, what did I do" checklist, you come up with this with nothing bad... no drunken embarrassing texts begging ex boyfriends to come over, I still had my purse, cell phone, credit card and lip gloss, I didn't feel the need to vomit, and there was no headache!






Happy Birthday to Me!

Did I celebrate my 28th like Lindsay Lohan before she cleaned up? You're damn right I did! And I had fun! Everyone had a great time; there was no fighting, no drama, and we all just had a really good Friday night out. I think it was definitely needed.








And okay, sure, I wore impossibly uncomfortable high heeled shoes I had never worn before and have a vague memory of taking them off before the walk back to the car at last call, and therefore walked barefoot through the snow in downtown Grand Rapids for 6 blocks which is probably why I have had a cold for the last week, but so what? As long as I don't think about what I walked through, I'm okay.

So thank you, to my wonderful friends; for both coming out and for keeping me swimming in alcohol all night long; to the Taphouse Bar and Grill, for forgetting to set aside enough tables for my group but for being awesome enough not to care when we took over the entire left side of the bar; to the DJ for actually playing music I could dance to while too drunk to remember it the next day; and finally, and to the bestest BFF ever, TA, for making sure I got home safely and alone that night!
Love you all!

And so what if I only remember approximately 10 of the 120some pictures that were taken that night?

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Sunday, January 11, 2009

It's not a habit it's cool, I feel alive...

I'm not an addict, maybe that's a lie...

Blame the cold meds for giving me this absolutely insane and crazy idea, but here it is. For the entire month of February I am banning alcohol and soda from my diet. Mostly to see how much weight I can lose and how much money I can save, but also to see what my willpower is like.

You can stop laughing now.

No really. Stop laughing.

And don't even give me crap about the fact that February is the shortest month of the year so it doesn't count. It's all part of my master plan.

You know, the plan where I lose some weight through February, and then spend March, April, and May conditioning and tightening things up so that come June I look like Britney Spears in the Don't Let Me Be The Last to Know Video?

Yes, that plan.

Of course, you can be sure I plan on blogging daily through that month so that you can all come along for the ride, I know you're excited.

Let the betting begin... does anyone think I can actually do this?

Really, stop laughing.

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Friday, January 9, 2009

Michigan is Basically Canada Anyways

There was a time in my life, oh about three years ago now (wow, only three?) when I was involved in an International Love Affair. Okay so what if Toronto is only 6 hours from Grand Rapids, it’s still a different country! For some time, I truly believed I would be marrying The Canadian. That is, until I realized he was a liar, still lived with his ex-girlfriend, and well, had no real intention of spending forever with me; no matter what he said when he was in Michigan. But that’s an entirely different blog for an entirely different time. I’ve realized something today, in my cold-medicine induced hazed.

You see, this entire week, I’ve been confined to my house, possibly dying from a head cold, leaving me with little to do but watch tv and reorganize my iTunes collection. It was this afternoon that I realized something I never thought I’d say after the Great Break-Up of 2006.

I was meant to be Canadian.

Okay, probably not. But I do love most things Canadian. At least, pop culture wise. And that’s enough, right? Isn’t it?

When I was little, my favorite books to read were the Anne of Green Gables series, and I desperately wanted to live on Prince Edward Island. I recently reread this series, and still, wouldn’t mind visiting Green Gables one day.

Music? I adore Chantal Kreviazuk. Absolutely one of my top ten favorite singers. Heather Nova? Sarah McLachlan? Barenaked Ladies? Esthero? They’re all awesome. Yes, even Bryan Adams and Celine Dion.

Shut up. You know you have Summer of ‘69 and It’s All Coming Back to Me Now on your iPod. It’s okay, I won’t tell.

Sarah Polley is one of my all-time favorite actresses, and the only way I know of her is from playing Ramona Quimby, and the movies Go and My Life Without Me.

But the two best things to come out of Canada for me, pop culturally?

Hell yes, I’m talking about Degrassi: The Next Generation and Total Drama Island.

Hi, my name is Nicole, I’m 28 years old and prefer watching teen dramas and cartoons to anything else on tv.

Don’t judge me.

Seriously, have you seen Total Drama Island? For us Americans, a hilariously edited version of the show is on Cartoon Network, and if you’ve ever watched a single reality tv show, this one will make you laugh. I mean, what’s better then watching a cartoon reality show, waiting each week to see who gets voted off the island? And even worse, caring who wins.

Yes, I am ashamed I just typed that. We won’t even talk about my Paige/Spinner love of years ago. Or the fact that Lifetime is airing the best made-for-tv movie about teens with syphilis starring Emma on Saturday. Can you say Awesome?

It’s really too bad The Canadian also turned out to be The Asshat. I so would have fit it living in Toronto.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Another Year, Another Birthday

So yeah. I turned 28 on January 2. I still haven't processed that. I still haven't figured out what that means. I mean, besides the whole idea of being another year older and not any closer to figuring anything out.

When I was younger I never had a problem with my birthday being so close to the holidays. As I get older though, I realize I have a bigger problem with the fact that having a birthday so close to the beginning of a new year is just a double whammy for self-doubt and pity parties. The chance of ruining newly-made resolutions AND getting older all within 24 hours? Yeah, there's a reason I drank so much the other night.

However, I will say this. I had an amazing birthday. My friends are wonderful, and as soon as I go through the pictures and have the time, I'll definitely be posting about the Birthday Shenanigans that went on. Until then, a nap sounds good.

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Thursday, January 1, 2009

Holly Golightly, Meet Lorelai Gilmore

I’ve been blogging for 3 years but here’s the thing; I’m completely amateur about it. Sure, I blog steadily, but honestly? The majority of my blogs have been lamenting evil ex boyfriends, complaining about my favorite celebrity not winning Dancing with the Stars, and talking about how hot Justin Bobby actually is. I have no idea how to make my page pretty, or keep track of visitors, I barely just learned how to use a Reader to keep track of the blogs I do read. The one thing I do know though, is that to have a successful blog, you must have the perfect, kicky, catchy title and theme.

Like, for instance… Breakfast at Wal-Mart

Admittedly, I’m pretty proud of this name, especially considering the ones I kicked around before settling on that. But the fact is, nothing makes me smile more than watching Breakfast at Tiffany’s while drinking Diet Coke out of champagne glasses that I bought at Wal-Mart.

I mean, I’m not the only one that does that, am I? Anyone? Okay then, moving on. There is a reason behind the name.

Everyone has a goal in life… a certain lifestyle they aspire to have. I find myself being torn between two.

Nicole’s Dream Life #1
If you had asked me when I was 18 what I’d be when I was 23, I’d have answered without hesitation that I would be married with one kid and at least another one on the way. I wanted to be a stay-at-home soccer mom with at least 6 kids (I’ll settle for four), the perfect husband and the perfect picket fenced-in house. I was going to be that mom. I wanted to be Kirsten Cohen without the alcohol problem. The hot mom who makes the best chocolate chip cookies on the block.

Um yeah, it hasn’t happened yet.

Nicole’s Dream Life #2
The older I get, the more time I spend writing, and the more time I spend watching reruns of Sex and the City I think… I want that. I want to be writing for a living. Whether it be the next great chick-lit novel, or a column for some trendy magazine, I don’t really care, so long as I’m doing what I love. I want the Upper East Side penthouse with the bar in the corner of the living room for Happy Hour. I want fun. I want to not have to worry about being tied down. I want to be completely independent and let’s face it, be a little bit selfish.

Um yeah, there’s probably not much chance of this happening either. The best I can figure to do is to work out some sort of compromise.

Holly Golightly, allow me to introduce you to Lorelai Gilmore. If only it were that simple, right?

Of course, I could always throw both options out the window and go for Dream Life #3.

You know, the one where I become a Mafia mistress and do nothing but spend my married lover’s hush money on fabulous shoes and accessories to wear on our secret getaways to Cabo San Lucas.

Oh. Am I the only one who finds that a tiny bit appealing?

Hey, at least I have some goals.

Until I figure out how to get to them, you can find me in my quaint little house in Michigan, sipping Diet Coke out of Wal-Mart champagne glasses and practicing my Tyra Banks model stomp in my new heels instead of working on the next chapter of my latest piece of writing.

So much for those goals...

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